Today was horrible for me.
I ended up crying and crying at work for no reason. I feel depressed, exhausted and crazy. Worse - I don't know what's causing any of it. Environmental factors usually don't last THIS long.
I guess it's the stress of work, my grandmother, and family conflict created becuase of my grandmother's situation, that have been getting me down. Except I can't pinpoint anything exact. I'm blah about it all.
The worst part of feeling like this - exhausted and depressed - is that everything is a struggle and I get worried that I'm working above my potential. I'd hate to think that mentally I can't handle what I'm doing when you pile "life" on it. However, I think if you look at my life, right now it's just one shit pile or another. I don't have anything going on that's taking my mind off of the crap. And worse, I have no energy to motivate myself to do something to get out of my funk.
That said, I did ask a friend if he wanted to grab a bite, but I picked someone who I was 90% sure would have a conflict. Which was actually for the best because I spent the afternoon watching North Country and bawling. Either over the movie or my life in general - I'm not quite sure.
Maybe if I fall asleep now, I'll feel better in the morning :-/ I have a new waterproof sleeve for my MP3 player so I can go swimming and listen to music.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Wonder if this is why I'm so tired?
Every day this week, regardless of when I go to bed, I've been getting up at 4:30 AM.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Old Age, Old Age...Go Away
I've had a large vein running down the back of my left knee for a while.
However, it has just recently started to hurt, which probably means it's fulfilling its destiny as a varicose vein.
On the positive side, it is helping me cross my legs less. On the negative side, I hate to be vain (har!), but I really don't want varicose veins. I also, however, don't want to spend money getting them lasered (unless it would be covered by insurance. Anyone want to guess if it would be under Obama's plan?). So, I'm trying to look for "natural" remedies to reverse the trend. Short of weird injections or supplements.
Speaking of Obama's Plan
Let's say Universal Health Care goes through.
Do you think Obama and fam are still going to have a private plan? Because, of course, the idea is to provide insurance for the uninsured (um, sorry, isn't that what Medicare/caid is for? To provide insurance for those who need it and can't afford it?) and to provide "competition" for private insurance. If you have private insurance, you should keep it.
Here's my thought: If we're going to have public insurance, then everyone in the government should be on it - from the president down. I think anyone who would have to wait in line for service would decide that we already have a pretty good system right here.
From what I've seen on the news, most Americans appear to still be in the fantasy "Si, se puede" period. They want everyone to have health care. They also don't want to lose the amount of coverage that they have now.
I'm not saying that there doesn't need to be healthcare reform, but I don't think we have to overhaul the whole system or get the government further involved. Because whatever way I see it cut, it'll cost me more - either in taxes AND insurance premiums through a job OR in taxes and time.
If healthcare were universal, I wonder how many companies would stop offering health care as a benefit? Maybe that greeter at Walmart makes an extra $1/hour, but has it eaten up in taxes to pay for public health insurance? I don't know that the change would affect white collar jobs, but I could definitely see it affecting blue collar jobs where workers have to either like it or find something else.
Spain and Germany, which have a public and private system, also have 2 tiers of doctors: the ones who service public insurance folks and the ones who service private insurance folks. (I believe in one of those countries, that type of system is supposed to be "illegal")
Although, perhaps the plus-side of the universal health care reform would be bringing back the relevance of unions.
Here's what I propose: Promote the Presidential Fitness Test in schools. Spend money on gym class. Put dollars into prevention (you would not believe how many obese people I saw at the amusement park over the weekend tooling around in strollers!) so we can lower our insurance risk as a nation.
In Lighter News
After much fear and trepidation, I upgraded to IE8. My favorite feature: ability to delete addresses out of the history list without deleting everything in your history. So my mistypes are gone, but I can still pull down the address bar to move to various sites without having to re-type everything.
However, it has just recently started to hurt, which probably means it's fulfilling its destiny as a varicose vein.
On the positive side, it is helping me cross my legs less. On the negative side, I hate to be vain (har!), but I really don't want varicose veins. I also, however, don't want to spend money getting them lasered (unless it would be covered by insurance. Anyone want to guess if it would be under Obama's plan?). So, I'm trying to look for "natural" remedies to reverse the trend. Short of weird injections or supplements.
Speaking of Obama's Plan
Let's say Universal Health Care goes through.
Do you think Obama and fam are still going to have a private plan? Because, of course, the idea is to provide insurance for the uninsured (um, sorry, isn't that what Medicare/caid is for? To provide insurance for those who need it and can't afford it?) and to provide "competition" for private insurance. If you have private insurance, you should keep it.
Here's my thought: If we're going to have public insurance, then everyone in the government should be on it - from the president down. I think anyone who would have to wait in line for service would decide that we already have a pretty good system right here.
From what I've seen on the news, most Americans appear to still be in the fantasy "Si, se puede" period. They want everyone to have health care. They also don't want to lose the amount of coverage that they have now.
I'm not saying that there doesn't need to be healthcare reform, but I don't think we have to overhaul the whole system or get the government further involved. Because whatever way I see it cut, it'll cost me more - either in taxes AND insurance premiums through a job OR in taxes and time.
If healthcare were universal, I wonder how many companies would stop offering health care as a benefit? Maybe that greeter at Walmart makes an extra $1/hour, but has it eaten up in taxes to pay for public health insurance? I don't know that the change would affect white collar jobs, but I could definitely see it affecting blue collar jobs where workers have to either like it or find something else.
Spain and Germany, which have a public and private system, also have 2 tiers of doctors: the ones who service public insurance folks and the ones who service private insurance folks. (I believe in one of those countries, that type of system is supposed to be "illegal")
Although, perhaps the plus-side of the universal health care reform would be bringing back the relevance of unions.
Here's what I propose: Promote the Presidential Fitness Test in schools. Spend money on gym class. Put dollars into prevention (you would not believe how many obese people I saw at the amusement park over the weekend tooling around in strollers!) so we can lower our insurance risk as a nation.
In Lighter News
After much fear and trepidation, I upgraded to IE8. My favorite feature: ability to delete addresses out of the history list without deleting everything in your history. So my mistypes are gone, but I can still pull down the address bar to move to various sites without having to re-type everything.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
New Template. . .Check
I finally got a little inspired with a design to redo my blog template.
I'm not 100% happy with it, but. . .as they say in espanol - Se sirve (it works).
I'm not 100% happy with it, but. . .as they say in espanol - Se sirve (it works).
Back to Work
One thing this vacation accomplished was that it showed me that I could really use more vacation!
I don't feel ready to go back. Of course, I have some problems at work that I was able to avoid by being on vacation; it's not like those will go away without me addressing them.
I don't feel ready to go back. Of course, I have some problems at work that I was able to avoid by being on vacation; it's not like those will go away without me addressing them.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Battlefield Britain
My new show to nap or do chores to is Battlefield Britain. The show hosts demonstrate, in modern times, how ancient battles of Britain were fought and won/lost.
Regardless of what I'm doing, this is all I get out of the show.
"Today we'll be talking about. . ." and the host describes the battle, ending with a cliffhanger like "We'll see how one change in the weather could have changed history."
And then the next part of the show:
"And that's how {insert battle here} was won."
Apparently there's a whole section called "the middle part" that I consistently miss, which makes the "Would you ever have believed it?" endings a little anti-climactic.
Regardless of what I'm doing, this is all I get out of the show.
"Today we'll be talking about. . ." and the host describes the battle, ending with a cliffhanger like "We'll see how one change in the weather could have changed history."
And then the next part of the show:
"And that's how {insert battle here} was won."
Apparently there's a whole section called "the middle part" that I consistently miss, which makes the "Would you ever have believed it?" endings a little anti-climactic.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Das Boot
Oh. My. God.
I got the director's cut because that was all that was available.
THREE HOURS of the boat sinking, then rising. THREE HOURS of "oh, someone shot at us" and "let's go to the surface."
I'm figuring that since this was an Academy Award nominated film, the additional footage has to be in the various nuanced performances of actors saying "Dive!" and "We're being shot at!"
The director directed Poseidon, which I was impressed with.
I guess this just supports my theory that no director's cut is good. If anything, it does showcase the monotony of life on a submarine.
I ended up just fast forwarding to the end (which I'm realizing is probably the last HOUR of the film) because even though I slept through it the first time, it looks like something interesting and different may be happening in the last 10 minutes of the film.
I got the director's cut because that was all that was available.
THREE HOURS of the boat sinking, then rising. THREE HOURS of "oh, someone shot at us" and "let's go to the surface."
I'm figuring that since this was an Academy Award nominated film, the additional footage has to be in the various nuanced performances of actors saying "Dive!" and "We're being shot at!"
The director directed Poseidon, which I was impressed with.
I guess this just supports my theory that no director's cut is good. If anything, it does showcase the monotony of life on a submarine.
I ended up just fast forwarding to the end (which I'm realizing is probably the last HOUR of the film) because even though I slept through it the first time, it looks like something interesting and different may be happening in the last 10 minutes of the film.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Stopped the Chemo
I got an email that my grandmother's oncologist has stopped her chemo treatments. She's been taking the medication for perhaps 5 days at the most.
I can only guess that this is a bad sign. Not that I expected her to be cured with the chemo, but I figured if the doctor were providing it as a recommended treatment option that there would at least be some chance that it would help alleviate my grandmother's pain.
I'm guessing that we're moving into the pain management/managed care stage of things. At least, I hope that's where we're moving. I'll find out more this afternoon or weekend.
I can only guess that this is a bad sign. Not that I expected her to be cured with the chemo, but I figured if the doctor were providing it as a recommended treatment option that there would at least be some chance that it would help alleviate my grandmother's pain.
I'm guessing that we're moving into the pain management/managed care stage of things. At least, I hope that's where we're moving. I'll find out more this afternoon or weekend.
Bits of Random - Pregnancy Edition
Over the last few days, my sister and I have had a chance to tet a tet.
My favorite exchanges:
On whether or not she looks like she's showing
Her: I'm going to wear the shirt that really makes me look pregnant.
Me: Would that be one with a fake pregnancy belly attached?
After seeing that she actually is starting to show a bit
Her: See! Don't I look pregnant now?
Me: . . .
Her: Yeah, one of the girls at work said it best - I'm in the stage of pregnancy now where I just look like I've let myself go.
Me: It does look like you've been nursing. . .a six-pack.
On Fertility
After my sister explained that she got pregnant much sooner than anticipated (she was told to expect about 3 months AT LEAST before her cycles regulated):
Me: See, it's this type of empirical evidence that makes me believe that I could totally become a story on I Didn't Know I was Pregnant. I could probably get pregnant just by looking at a guy.
On Over-30 First-Time Pregnancies
Her: Your eggs probably have little beards. . .and walkers.
I got to see updated ultrasounds of the baby. I think it will be a girl (hands were up by her face). The baby is still transparent skin and no adipose layer, so it looked weird. However, you could still make out facial characteristics. It has a tiny nose and big forehead, just like my sister. The lips - could come from either side. My sister and her husband have similar jawlines.
My favorite exchanges:
On whether or not she looks like she's showing
Her: I'm going to wear the shirt that really makes me look pregnant.
Me: Would that be one with a fake pregnancy belly attached?
After seeing that she actually is starting to show a bit
Her: See! Don't I look pregnant now?
Me: . . .
Her: Yeah, one of the girls at work said it best - I'm in the stage of pregnancy now where I just look like I've let myself go.
Me: It does look like you've been nursing. . .a six-pack.
On Fertility
After my sister explained that she got pregnant much sooner than anticipated (she was told to expect about 3 months AT LEAST before her cycles regulated):
Me: See, it's this type of empirical evidence that makes me believe that I could totally become a story on I Didn't Know I was Pregnant. I could probably get pregnant just by looking at a guy.
On Over-30 First-Time Pregnancies
Her: Your eggs probably have little beards. . .and walkers.
I got to see updated ultrasounds of the baby. I think it will be a girl (hands were up by her face). The baby is still transparent skin and no adipose layer, so it looked weird. However, you could still make out facial characteristics. It has a tiny nose and big forehead, just like my sister. The lips - could come from either side. My sister and her husband have similar jawlines.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Interesting
In class on Monday we did an activity where we had to give compliments to each other. We had to provide a personal trait that we admired in the person followed by evidence to support that trait.
Some traits that people admired in me that I found surprising:
1) Happiness. Totally unexpected for someone who's clinically depressed and begrudgingly going to class. However, whenever people look at me, I have a smile on my face and they appreciate that. I just want to be supportive of the experiences of others. And apparently they don't look at me until I get my game face on LOL.
2) Friendliness. I realize that I am a "friendlier" person now. I've destroyed and had to rebuild relationships and I understand how hard that is. So I have become a more empathetic person over the years. Still, people recognizing this in me is as surprising as when people call me "outgoing".
Some traits that people admired in me that I found surprising:
1) Happiness. Totally unexpected for someone who's clinically depressed and begrudgingly going to class. However, whenever people look at me, I have a smile on my face and they appreciate that. I just want to be supportive of the experiences of others. And apparently they don't look at me until I get my game face on LOL.
2) Friendliness. I realize that I am a "friendlier" person now. I've destroyed and had to rebuild relationships and I understand how hard that is. So I have become a more empathetic person over the years. Still, people recognizing this in me is as surprising as when people call me "outgoing".
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